Five Things You Will Never Hear
by Darkwood Princess
Summary: There are some things that will never be said.
1. Kirk

**AN: This one was an idea my brother came up with… **

Five things you will never hear Captain Kirk say…

No, I don't want that piece of chocolate cake.

That is the ugliest alien woman I have ever seen and no I don't want to kiss her!

Bones, it's okay if you want to flirt with the girl of the week, because I don't want to.

Okay, I give up, this _**is**_ a no win scenario.

I hate being the Captain, switch places with me Spock!


	2. Scotty

AN: For some reason, Mr. Scott was who popped into my head next. Oops, I meant to do Spock or Bones!

One: I joined the Galaxy's Alcoholics Anonymous, I don't want any of that nasty Scotch!

Two: The Enterprise is the ugliest, stupidest, garbage scow of a ship I have ever had the displeasure to serve on, and yes, go right ahead and insult her.

Three: Why of course I believe that suspicious recording of the Captain telling us to beam down classified information to a warlike people is him actually speaking and go ahead and send it.

Four: Make me a sandwich Uhura, you're a better cook than Communications Officer.

Five: This kilt is nothing more than a silly manskirt and I _hate_ the bagpipes.


	3. Spock

**AN: Merry Christmas everyone! Even though I'm not Christian, I still enjoy the spirit of the season!**

Five Things Spock Would Never Say…

One: I am so ticked at you right now Captain that I could scream in fury!

Two: That's one bodacious babe _*wolf whistle*_.

Three: Science is illogical, I want to be the Captain.

Four: I love cats, tribbles, and all things furry.

Five: You will obey my amazing Vulcan force powers or I will dump you on Alpha Ceti 5: with Khan.


	4. McCoy

**AN: When taking a break from college applications…you get this:**

Five Things McCoy would never say…

One: I _love_ how you call me Bones Jim.

Two: No, Jim, Spock, it's okay to touch the random plants on that planet, don't worry about alien pollen.

Three: Jim, allergic to all these hypos I'm giving him? Nah.

Four: Nurse Chapel, you and Spock make an adorable couple.

Five: I love all of you crazy kids on this floating tub in space, especially you Spock!


	5. Chekov

**AN: Thanks to all who have reviewed, especially Jim Kirk and L. McCoy I appreciate it guys! ;) **

Five things you will never hear Chekov say.

One: That vas not inwented in Russia. It was inwented in America!

Two: I can very well not confuse my vs and ws.

Three: Vhy do I get beat up all zhe time? All these stupid head injuries!

Four: You know vhat? I quit. You all don't appreciate me enough!

Five: I vant to go bald, because bald gets more vomen.


	6. Sulu

**AN: Alright, like I said in my From TOS With Love, Sulu is harder for me to write. So without further ado….**

Five things you would never here Sulu say:

One: Screw the helm, I wanna be a doctor.

Two: You know what? I _hate_ Chekov. If I have to work with that stupid kid one more time!

Three: Plants are dumb, so are swords, old weapons, and any and all hobbies.

Four: Helloooooo Ladies!

Five: I think I want to stay on the planet of the week. They're nicer to me than you guys.

**Reviews will used to celebrate my birthday on Wednesday!**


	7. M'Benga

**AN: This one has been bouncing around in my head for a while. I'll get back to main characters next chapter, but this grabbed the plot bunny and ran with me. Too much LMFAO I guess… **

Five things Geoffrey M'Benga would never say…

One: I run sickbay. No really. Seriously.

Two: Party rockers in the house tonight!

Three: Nurse Chapel, you're gorgeous. Why don't you go out with me instead of hitting on the emotional rock that is Spock?

Four: Why couldn't my boss have died of Xenopolycythmia?

Five: Brb. Got to go feed my tribble.


	8. Uhura

**AN: And without further ado... Uhura! **

One: You know who I really find attractive? Cyrano Jones.

Two: Why don't you open the stupid hailing frequencies yourself Captain?

Three: Oh noes, this routine distress call from a random ship must be real!

Four: I hate music.

Five: Oops, I only speak standard! My bad.


	9. Chapel

**AN: This seems to be the only story I can update quickly and regularly. :( Well, thanks to everyone who has written suggestions and here is a little more! **

Five things Christine Chapel would never say...

One: Oh Captain, I am so in love with you! Forget Mr. Spock and Roger, you are truly my one and only.

Two: Which end of the hypospray is up?

Three: I never argue with Dr. McCoy. Never, ever.

Four: You know what? Everyone who dies on this ship wears red. I wonder if I can get a doctorate out of a paper on that...

Five: Why does everyone hate me so much?


	10. Khan

**AN: Since I have covered the main crew and a few auxiliary characters... I give you Khan! **

Five things Khan would never say...

One: You know, my first name is Joe. I think I should go by that instead of Khan.

Two: What do you mean I'm not handsome?

Three: I _hate_ it when people shout my name.

Four: Conquering is for losers, and I'm sorry for threatening the Enterprise. I just want to join the Federation with my followers as the United Group of Botany Bayers...

Five: I just friended Jimmy and Spock on Spacebook! Now we can be bestest buds forever!


	11. Kyle

**An: So uhm, here are five things that Kyle, the transporter guy (you know the one redshirt other than Scotty and Uhura who you can see survived the five year tour) would never say. **

One: I hate my British accent, I want to be a Klingon!

Two: Of course the transporter's not safe! After splitting the Captain in two, sending you lot to a mirror universe, and just generally failing, you idiots still think it's safe? Take a dang shuttle you lazy bums!

Three: I am the king of the red shirts.

Four: I hate my job.

Five: What do you mean I've been promoted? Everyone else wearing red has died.


	12. Vians

**AN: Uhm, I'm running out of characters here people! Just leave me a suggestion and I'll slip them in! **

Five things you would never hear the Vians say...

One: You know, we're really a bunch of little kids hiding in these ugly space alien suits.

Two: The empath chick is our sister. Stop touching her. Now.

Three: You know what? Why are Starfleet officers so flimsy? We've already killed two of you lame humans. Is it the air you breathe?

Four: What do you mean we didn't win most beautiful alien of the week contest? Was it Trelane?

Five: No, we are not related to those guys who tortured Chris Pike. We swear. Those dudes were sooooo ugly.


	13. Gorn

**AN: Thanks for all the great suggestions guys! Uhm, I'll get to all of those awesome ideas, but first... I give you the most slow moving, persistent, cheesy original series villain, the Gorn! **

Five things you will never hear a Gorn say...

One: MEOW!

Two: Why it is elementary my dear, Captain Kirk! Fighting like this is for lesser beings, let's have tea like civilized gents.

Three: Hold up, stop the fight! My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic is on, and a brony can't miss his show.

Four: LOOK OUT TOKYO, HERE I COME! (Oh noes! It's Godzilla!)

Five: That Lt. Uhura sure is pretty, do you think I have more of a chance than the pointy eared guy?


	14. Amanda

**AN: Okay, so here's Amanda's... **

Five things you will never hear Amanda Grayson say...

One: I want to change my name to T'amanda.

Two: I love logic, especially since logic dictates I lose my husband because my son cares more about his job than his father. Isn't logic grand?

Three: Sarek, ask me to attend you one more time and I'm going to break those two fingers!

Four: Living in the desert among emotionless computer minded aliens sucks. Why did I do this?

Five: What do you mean my son isn't as good as your purely Vulcan son? FALCON PUNCH! AMANDA SMASH!


	15. Christopher Pike

**AN: Okay, so I'm doing some of ya'll's suggestions and here is the result! Oh and to anyone who didn't know who Cyrano Jones was when I did Uhura, he was the guy selling Tribbles in "The Trouble With Tribbles". XD**

Five things you would never hear Christopher Pike say...

One: Anyone who has a problem with my awesome turtle neck uniform can just be kicked out of an airlock.

Two: Hello? Are you people even listening? Yes, I am beeping at you! Why didn't the stupid engineer's equip me with a voice box? The computer can talk, why not me? We run into enough mechanical sounding aliens as it is!

Three: Number One, I am giving you a name. Your name is Morgan. And you know what? I love you.

Four: So uhm, Spock, what's up with that ugly bowl cut of yours? Is it a Vulcan thing? You're the only Vulcan on my ship so you're the only one who can enlighten me.

Five: What do you mean I'm being replaced with Captain Kirk?


	16. T'Pring

**AN: You know I love snow days! So to thank everyone out there who reads my stuff, here's another chapter! Thank the weather gods for breaks from school XD. With help from my sister, who might as well be my muse, cause she gives me fantastic ideas! **

Five things you would never hear T'Pring say...

One: Spock, I love you more than Stonn. Marry me!

Two: You know what? Flip this crap. I want to marry Captain Man Cleavage over there. He has more than enough power for me.

Three: Why does everyone hate me? What did I do to them?

Four: If we're so logical, why do we fight like Conan the Barbarian for women? Where are our rights?

Five: You know what? Dishonor on you, dishonor on your sehlat, dishonor on your ugly Captain, ancient doctor, and junk heap of a starship. I. Am. Out.


	17. Sarek

**AN: So, I figure that this whole fic is one giant crack fic, but oh well. Everyone needs a little humor in their lives! **

Five things you would never hear Sarek say…

One: Trolololololololol trollolol trolololol TROLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLLL!

Two: What do you mean I'm that Romulan Commander guy? I'm a Vulcan! I am soooo insulted.

Three: Aw Girlfriend, those shoes do not match that shirt.

Four: Slap fight!

Five: Diplomats are wimps. I want to be a Pirate! Woohoo, jars of dirt! Or an Elf! Yes, an elf, because they are taking the hobbits to Isengard and I must go rescue them!

**So yeah, my siblings kept playing the troll song, LOTR songs, and Sparrow's Jar of dirt remix. Blame them for the memes in my head. **


	18. Riley

**AN: This one is for Saphura, who requested Kevin Riley. XD**

Five things you will never hear Kevin Riley say…

One: Ireland is fa chumps, alright? I wanna be from joisey. Capish? *while chewing a thick wad of gum*

Two: I'mma let you finish Captain, but I just wanted to say that Picard was the best Captain of all time. ALL TIME!

Three: What do you mean I'm not a cutie with a sparkling sense of style and sexy abs? Well, forget you, I'm married.

Four: Oh hey guys, off to vacation on Tarsus four!

Five: I am so sick of being in the limelight. I am practically running this ship. Here Jimmy, you can have it back.

**AN: I hoped you liked it! ^.^**


	19. Rand

**AN: So, school has a strangle hold on me now, and I've escaped just long enough to write this. XD **

Five Things Janice Rand would never say…

One: I am definitely getting a bob. My hair is far too intricate for me.

Two: Jim Kirk, I love you and you care more for a ship than me. Well forget you, because I am an independent woman who does not need a man to define her. You keep your ship, I'll keep my life.

Three: Oh Charlie Evans, you and I should get married!

Four: What do you mean I'm not Yeoman of the month? I'm one of three reoccurring women on the whole dang ship!

Five: Starfleet is so sexist, and I _hate _my uniform.


	20. Cochrane

**AN: So, I'm running out of people! Here's one I never thought I'd do…**

Five things you will never hear Zefram Cochrane say…

One: I am deathly afraid of space. If man was meant to fly he would be able to breathe in space.

Two: Yolo.

Three: Orange space jumpsuits are the height of sexy.

Four: Warp engine, schmorp engine. I want to be a race car driver.

Five: A weird, amorphous, sentient being wants to keep me as her human pet? Sign me up!

**AN: These are the Cochrane from TOS… not the one from the Next Generation movie with him in it, oh and for those who might not know, yolo means 'you only live once'. For the record, Cochrane lived more than one life XD…**


End file.
